Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Famous people like to choose friends who won't go around repeating their conversations and details about them. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've wasted a lot of time pretending to be interested in people who weren't terribly interesting. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It makes me wonder sometimes. Remember a couple years ago, when Mexicans went on strike? It was talked about a little bit… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I was the type of person who was the question-asker. And not just genuine questions, I would ask a question so the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she wore her… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Traveling across the United States, it's easy to see why Americans are often thought of as stupid. At the San Diego Zoo,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm completely fascinated by the health-care debate going on in the United States, especially by posters of Obama with a little mustache… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
You know, when you need drugs and you don't have a lot of money, what you'll do is you'll hang out with… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
