If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I think if you write humor, then people don't - you know - they don't give you that much credit. They tend… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have to hold on to. If you're really desperate, you might need to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I would still be reading out loud. I think that if you are any kind of an artist, then validation is just… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family;… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In America, if your next-door neighbor has a Rolls-Royce, you want one too. But in England, if your neighbor has a Rolls-Royce,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
What's strange is, the people who want to be in the position are never asked to be in the position. Like, if… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The difference between the first time I read something and the tenth time I read something is generally pretty profound. Even if… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm not afraid to write about madness. I always figure that whatever most embarrasses you is something that everyone can relate to,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I mean, I'm always happy if I have, like, humiliating asshole things that I did. I think: Oh good, that's a good… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The difference between writing where you know where to draw the line and writing where you're being way too mean is whether… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Writing helped to have jobs that involved running around, pushing things like dish carts and wheelbarrows. It would be hard to sit… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
