I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again," he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. "It's unrealistic to live your… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That said, is it crazier… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I met a young woman the other day, and she said, what advice would you have for a writer, and I said… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family;… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Someone told me something recently about Sarah Palin, someone I trusted in the book business. They said, "I worked with Palin. She… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you," he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
