I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm for gay elopement, not for gay weddings. I've been with my boyfriend for twenty years. I don't feel like that would… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I would still be reading out loud. I think that if you are any kind of an artist, then validation is just… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you," he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk movies, and I noticed… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It is never appropriate to comment on a woman's breasts. I would never do it on the street or at a supermarket,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The difference between the first time I read something and the tenth time I read something is generally pretty profound. Even if… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The difference between writing where you know where to draw the line and writing where you're being way too mean is whether… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
