Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In books and movies infidelity always looks so compelling, so right. Here are people who defy petty convention and are rewarded with… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Of course, the diary helps me as well. 'That wasn't your position on July 7, 1991,' I'll remind Hugh an hour after… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That said, is it crazier… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I think if you write humor, then people don't - you know - they don't give you that much credit. They tend… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
All of a sudden, when you're exposed to a large audience, they think you just started writing that day, but I started… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she wore her… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People discuss their relationships all the time, but you can't. I don't think people realize how harmful that is, how it twists… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I would start by writing to an adult, maybe a high school teacher, or maybe an aunt or uncle, and writing and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
