Mother Quotes by David Sedaris

“She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you…

— David Sedaris

If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.

— David Sedaris

“Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one”

— David Sedaris

And one of the things I noticed pretty early on in art school was that my classmates had no notion of an…

— David Sedaris

I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they…

— David Sedaris

“The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions,…

— David Sedaris

“The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American women with sunglasses, always searching…

— David Sedaris

“What were you asleep? Helen would say as I opened the door. "I've been up since five." In her hand would be…

— David Sedaris

Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertaining, but you can't get…

— David Sedaris

I had paid for my folly and, as a reward, was invited to take part in the nest builder’s performance piece. The…

— David Sedaris

I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or…

— David Sedaris

“between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always, though, while tripping and stumbling to the…

— David Sedaris

“The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. “It really wouldn’t hurt you to take an…

— David Sedaris

There are a lot of college writing textbooks that will include essays and short stories, and after reading the story or essay,…

— David Sedaris

“May 9, 1989 Again this year I made Mom a Mother's Day card. It reads: M is for the Morbid things you…

— David Sedaris