Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards'… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
