Numbers Quotes by David Letterman

11 Numbers quotes by David Letterman

All Numbers quotes David Letterman’s page

David’s humor shines when he tackles numbers, turning spreadsheets into punchlines. These eleven brief quips give a taste of his comedic spin on statistics, ideal for a light‑hearted glance.

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I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards'…

David Letterman

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CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

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Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.

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Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

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Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

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A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on…

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Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he…

David Letterman

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We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2…

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Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price…

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They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is…

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I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing…

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Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it…

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You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and…

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It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

David Letterman

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There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They…

David Letterman

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I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

David Letterman

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Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

David Letterman

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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since…

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I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

David Letterman

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“There is no off position on the genius”

David Letterman

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I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to…

David Letterman

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Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really…

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If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

David Letterman

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Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of…

David Letterman

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Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman

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Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

David Letterman

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