“Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I meant to spear her with my love, but bad breath got in the way. Next time I’ll spearmint.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in the center of a silver platter, surrounded by leafy green garnishes to compliment the red of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, why don’t you go all out and write… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my girlfriend knocked up. Next time I’ll ring the doorbell before I enter. I think we’re about to witness the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
