Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety. — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
The person, be it lady or gentlemen who has not pleasure in a good book must be intoleranlty stupid. — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
“If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
When you get asked hundreds of questions, it's not possible to remember the answer to every one. — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you. — Herbert Beerbohm Tree Copy Share Image
“Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in… — Jillian Dodd Copy Share Image
“You've got better boobs," I acknowledged. And just as we'd done each time we'd had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at… — Chloe Neill Copy Share Image
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix… — Ogden Nash Copy Share Image
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
“Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are… — Tom Althouse Copy Share Image
“When we faced Mom, we saw she was addressing Max. "We get to know each other I'll get to hug you." "Mom!"… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount… — Memeko Arii Copy Share Image
“Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my… — Erica Dakin Copy Share Image
I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock… — Cynthia Heimel Copy Share Image
“Oh golly, Brer Fox, your forthright assertion—that evolutionary biology disproves the idea of a creator God—jeopardises the teaching of biology in science… — Richard Dawkins Copy Share Image
It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and… — Kevin Myers Copy Share Image
I'm halfway through a novel set in two time frames - Austin in the 1960's and Alpine (Texas) in present day. It… — Elizabeth Crook Copy Share Image
“Listen carefully, Lucas Steele, because I will only say this once. I am NOT your mate, I will never be your mate,… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
'Everwood' I think provides a unique feeling, an emotional experience. And other shows on TV don't have the acting talent to do… — Greg Berlanti Copy Share Image
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“It wasn’t until someone kicked his legs that Nik woke up. Alek, snoring beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Ban… — Shelly Laurenston Copy Share Image
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. — Flip Wilson Copy Share Image
The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . . — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being… — Thomas Reed Copy Share Image
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Writers cleave together like a demonic AA group - we are singularly able to dance with each other's devils...” — Jd Young Copy Share Image
Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.” — Bob Gilluly Copy Share Image
“Lunar Eclipse doesn't that sound like a car you can only drive at night?” — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
“Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.” — Shaquille O'Neal Copy Share Image
“You learn to smile even in you liver?' 'Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.” — Elizabeth Gilbert Copy Share Image
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than… — Dick Brandon Copy Share Image
I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
