My penis is an awkward leprechaun that had not gotten lucky nearly as much as it had gotten bored. — Andrea Gibson Copy Share Image
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress. — Jerry Springer Copy Share Image
“Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.” — E.J. Stevens Copy Share Image
“Tears are kind of like urine. There's only so long you can hold them in.” — Julie Buxbaum Copy Share Image
“Every time you smoke a cigarette, God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Most human beings would have never been pained by the death of a human being if they had never seen a human… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
“Does the world really need another long essay on environmental archaeology and freshwater mollusks? Well, it's going to get one, whether it… — Elly Griffiths Copy Share Image
“Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could… — Laura L. Sullivan Copy Share Image
“If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“Why in the name of God do you wear these ugly ass granny panties? I swear it looks like you could parachute… — Kathryn Vance-Perez Copy Share Image
“Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef.… — David Weber Copy Share Image
I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Was he joking? Was he being sarcastic? Aggressive? Impertinent? Or just courteous? There was no telling from his impassive face. What a… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“He downed the last of his coffee, carried his mug over to the pot, poured himself a refill, and returned to the… — Lynda Hilburn Copy Share Image
I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“David: “How the hell did you get dressed so fast?” Renee: “How do you know I didn’t streak naked through the lobby… — John C. Stipa Copy Share Image
Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state. — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?” — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
“Sorry. Sometimes my mouth engages before making contact with my brain.” — Jayson James Copy Share Image
“If at first you don't succeed, try to eat a big lunch and take a nap...er wait, no... #badadvice” — Jayce O'Neal Copy Share Image
“She batted those eyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.” — Maddie Dawson Copy Share Image
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“Not a week after Annie put her foot in Mrs. Huffmaster's duff, the Captain upped and laid down the date.” — James McBride Copy Share Image
“Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.” — Evangeline Anderson Copy Share Image
#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer ) — Seymour Cray Copy Share Image
“Some women walk towards a better future. Others have chauffeurs.” — Ljupka Cvetanova Copy Share Image
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two… — John Barrymore Copy Share Image
“Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.” — Elias Zapple Copy Share Image
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American people. — William H. Ginsburg Copy Share Image
