Humorous Quote by Bill Bryson

““If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it.””

Bill Bryson

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More by Bill Bryson

Most big companies don't like you very much, except hotels, airlines and Microsoft, which don't like you at all.

Bill Bryson

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“But Welsh spellings are as nothing compared with Irish Gaelic, a language in which spelling and pronunciation give the impression of having been devised by separate committees, meeting in separate rooms, while implacably divided over some deep semantic issue. Try pronouncing geimhreadh, Gaelic for “winter,” and you will probably come up with something like “gem-reed-uh.” It is in fact “gyeeryee.”…

Bill Bryson

“Pantaloons were often worn tight as paint and were not a great deal less revealing, particularly as they were worn without underwear. . .…

Bill Bryson

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If you go out on the Appalachian Trail, you have to bring so much more equipment - a tent, sleeping bag - but if…

Bill Bryson

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“The dining table was a plain board called by that name. It was hung on the wall when not in use, and was perched on the diners' knees when food was served. Over time, the word board came to signify not just the dining surface but the meal itself, which is where the board comes from in room and board.…

Bill Bryson

“From almost nothing, France in four years built up an aircraft industry that employed nearly 200,000 people and produced some 70,000 planes. Britain built…

Bill Bryson

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“Every twenty minutes on the Appalachian Trail, Katz and I walked farther than the average American walks in a week. For 93 percent of…

Bill Bryson

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“A diarist named George Templeton Strong recorded in the winter of 1866 that even with two furnaces alight and all the fireplaces blazing, he…

Bill Bryson

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Tune your television to any channel it doesn't receive and about 1 percent of the dancing static you see is accounted for by this…

Bill Bryson

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As a rule of thumb, I would submit that if you need to call your floss provider, for any reason, you are probably not…

Bill Bryson

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Nobody gets excited about the future at all, ever. The future is something we find depressing and worrisome.

Bill Bryson

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“What made this particularly interesting is that John Howard is by far the dullest man in Australia. Imagine a very committed funeral home director…

Bill Bryson

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“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is…

Adam Carolla

“Holy hell, Trev! What kind of move was that?” Trevor leaned over her with a big smile on his face. “You really thought I…

Cecilia Aubrey & Chris Almeida

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“Every child is born as angel.”

Lailah Gifty Akita

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“Is there any holy beings like human beings?”

Lailah Gifty Akita

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There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle,…

Dorothy Parker

“Some women walk towards a better future. Others have chauffeurs.”

Ljupka Cvetanova

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In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog…

Mike Harding