Humorous Quotes · Page 32

I issued a number of denials to people I thought needed to hear them

— William J. Clinton

There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.

— Will Rogers

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

— Mark Twain

There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.

— Gary Player

“Muse usually gestured like an amphetamine-fueled Sicilian who's nearly gotten clipped by a speeding car.”

— Harlan Coben

“I'm trying to think but nothing happens. ~ Curlie. That feeling I get with writer's block!”

— Curlie Q. Link

There's an incredible amount of pain involved in being a human, but this humorous stuff is essential in overcoming it.

— John Grant

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“Frankly, I've worked my whole life to not be adorable with only limited success, and two adorable people dating is waaaay too…

— Hank Green

There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers.…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no…

— Groucho Marx

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just…

— Dave Barry

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred…

— Mike Harding

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

— Dave Beard

Experimental music scores are enigmatic, opaque, demanding, irritating, humorous, childlike; the best, like Cardew's Treatise, are also inspiring, giving rise, on occasion,…

— John Tilbury

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about…

— Oscar Wilde

“Her Majesty to the theatre. The performance took place on a stage erected in the courtyard, and Her Majesty closed in one…

— Princess Der Ling

“Gazing up at the long flight of stairs to the temple, Puck shook his head and sighed. “Stairs." He grimaced. “I swear…

— Julie Kagawa

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been…

— Mark Twain

“5. Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still really young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle,…

— George Mikes

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading…

— Dave Barry

“It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is…

— John Connolly

“I dinnae get people, like they all want to be watched, to be seen, like all the time. They put up their…

— Jenni Fagan

Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously…

— James P. Hogan

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

— Joseph Heller

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

— Charles Wadsworth

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

— Ron Richards

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

— P. G. Wodehouse

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

— Anonymous

“You hit the Lord of The Titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.”

— Rick Riordan

“Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

— Li Ching-Yuen

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

— Dylan Moran

“The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane”

— Kate Noble

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

— Charles Dickens

My mentor said, 'Let's go do it', not 'You go do it'. How powerful when someone says, 'Let's!'

— Jim Rohn

“Never underestimate a septuagenarian with time on his hands.”

— Bernadette Pruitt

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

— Frank Sinatra

“I’ve had a lot of food but if you don’t jiggle me too much you can have your wicked way with me.”

— Samantha Young

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

— Bob Hope