Humorous Quotes · Page 30

How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?

— Brian Boyle

There is no decision to be more or less comic. I don't feel more or less humorous in my day-to-day. These things…

— Alexis Taylor

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

— John Candy

“Am I a human? Yes. Then I like The Princess Bride.”

— Remy Richard

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on…

— Bob Hope

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example -…

— P. J. O'Rourke

“You’ll be dethroned faster than a coke snorting beauty queen.”

— Eric Luper

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

— Art Buchwald

I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know?

— Marvin Minsky

“He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might…

— Charles Dickens

“We have our difference in common.”

— Brian Spellman

“There is a safety mechanism in place [to ensure the perambulator doesn't turn back into a purse with a baby in it]…

— Lev A.C. Rosen

“Knowing Finn thought I was an awful driver. Like, running of gas while getting a speeding ticket awful.”

— Laura Dave

Talkers are no good doers.

— William Shakespeare

And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason.…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely.…

— Christopher Moore

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

— Dave Barry

But when they offered this little situation for me to do this voice in this special segment, I found it so incredibly…

— Werner Klemperer

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

— George Burns

France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

— George Mikes

Mom, thanks for providing me with love that's as never-ending as your voice mails.

— Anonymous

I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

— Al Gore

“Observation" If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by…

— Dorothy Parker

A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

— Paul Newman