Humorous Quotes · Page 30

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

— Mignon McLaughlin

Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.

— Christine Lagarde

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

— Erma Bombeck

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

— Groucho Marx

It might suprise you to know I think I raised them too much, too

— William J. Clinton

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

— Abraham Lincoln

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

— Anonymous

“Hope was like frogs praying for wings so they didn't bump their asses when they hopped”

— Sherri Desbois

“She laughed. ''You seem pretty normal.'' ''You've never seen Ben snort Sprite up his nose and then spit it out of his…

— John Green

One dumb-bell, Watson! Consider an athlete with one dumb-bell. Picture to yourself the unilateral development - the imminent danger of a spinal…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

In addition I had real and serious questions about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings twenty years ago

— William J. Clinton

“…When you’ve know me longer, you’ll learn that I mean everything I say.” “Even the lies?” “Especially the lies. Lord Petyr…”

— George R.R. Martin

I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the…

— Dave Barry

“Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a moth saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".”

— cherise sinclair

When a wicked and unworthy subject annoyed the Sultan of Turkey or the Czar of Russia, he had his head cut of…

— George Mikes

The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture…He takes upon himself…

— Mark Twain

The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball…

— Dizzy Dean

“If people fainted from too much thinking I’d scarcely ever be conscious,” Tabitha began at once. “I think and think all the…

— Margaret Mahy

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,…

— George Carlin

“Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?" "I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it." Thor…

— Neil Gaiman

We had got as far as this, when who should walk in but the gentleman himself, who had been drinking his beer…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

Though she doesn't remember any trauma, she said that her parents told her she cried on a daily basis and her grandmother…

— Mila Kunis

Back in the late '90s, I put together a humorous newsmagazine program called 'The Awful Truth' for Bravo. We helped one guy…

— Michael Moore

“It’s SpongeBob, Eleanor,” he said, speaking very slowly and clearly as though I were some sort of idiot. “SpongeBob SquarePants?” A semi-human…

— Gail Honeyman

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

— Yakov Smirnoff

The stupider the regime the more intelligent the people get and the more humorous.

— Christopher Hitchens

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

— Tommy Bolt

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

— Ric Charlesworth

“We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

— Jack Handey

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

— Rich Hall

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.

— H. Jackson Brown, Jr

We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved.

— William J. Clinton

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

— Groucho Marx

“Life is a great big canvas; throw all tje paint you can at it.”

— Danny Kaye

“I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.”

— E.A. Bucchianeri

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

— Woody Allen

Finding the humorous side of life is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

— Alberta Peedoodle