Alan Coren

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all…

— Alan Coren

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what it is you want to hear.

— Alan Coren

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

— Alan Coren

Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

— Alan Coren

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom…

— Alan Coren

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.

— Alan Coren

English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate…

— Alan Coren

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

— Alan Coren

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

— Alan Coren

In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease…

— Alan Coren

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

— Alan Coren

Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder , which can be briefly translated as "The best way to…

— Alan Coren

Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic...being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about…

— Alan Coren

Can anything match that first fine discovery of the telephone and all it stood for? That first realization that, contained within ten…

— Alan Coren

A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much…

— Alan Coren

“Remember: Enjoy your life today, because yesterday has gone and tomorrow may never come.”

— Alan Coren

The word "souvenir" has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but…

— Alan Coren

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid…

— Alan Coren

Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.

— Alan Coren

10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

— Alan Coren

Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come

— Alan Coren

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are…

— Alan Coren

Disneyworld...is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It…

— Alan Coren