I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife.” — Janet Mullany Copy Share Image
Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them. — Jonathan Lynn Copy Share Image
“Ish #109 "If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.” — Regina Griffin Copy Share Image
“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign. — Iimani David Copy Share Image
“Fighting with tangles, fighting with curls, the poor barber yanked, the poor barber pulled, until with one last effort (and to the… — Mili Fay Copy Share Image
I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“. . . parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond.” — Danielle Monsch Copy Share Image
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
“I’m Angel Crawford. Coroner’s Office.” I pointed to the logo on my work shirt. “I’m partnering with Dr. Charish in this medical… — Diana Rowland Copy Share Image
Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“Falon stared at Del intently, trying to figure out what was different. As usual, Del was impeccably dressed in a lavender dress… — Robin Alexander Copy Share Image
""Dear girl," continued Bob advancing with an imbecile grin upon his countenance, which he imagined no doubt to be a seductive smile,… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
We admire Chaucer for his sturdy English wit… But though it is full of good sense and humanity, it is not transcendent… — Henry David Thoreau Copy Share Image
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Don't you squire me. There's something going on down here, something wrong; I can feel it in my boots and, believe me,… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write… — Lili St. Crow Copy Share Image
Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. — Frank Lloyd Wright Copy Share Image
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to… — Seve Ballesteros Copy Share Image
You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception. — Victor Kiam Copy Share Image
“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.” — Victor Borge Copy Share Image
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner Copy Share Image
Mary's mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others' expense. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
Humour is ahead of everything creatively. I think if things aren't humorous, they are just crap. — Roisin Murphy Copy Share Image
Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“What are summer teeth? Summer in their mouth, Some are elsewhere.” — Suzanne Woods Fisher Copy Share Image
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused. — George Harris Copy Share Image
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight. — John Major Copy Share Image
