Humorous Quotes · Page 27

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself.

— Mike McCurry

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

— Seymour Cray

“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?”

— Rebecca Murphy

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

— George Carlin

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

— George Carlin

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

— John von Neumann

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

— Johnny Vegas

“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Some people hate people who are overconfident, only because their overconfidence reminds them of their underconfidence.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just…

— Bob Hope

Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a…

— J. Vernon McGee

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's…

— Tommy Douglas

“Sometimes we know people who are too wonderful for words. I am not one of them. Or you, for that matter, as…

— Michael Hogan

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”

— Julio-Alexi Genao

“Count Duchamps: It's a wonder he didn't clank when he [Jim West] when he walked. (referring to all of Jim's gadgets and…

— Wild Wild West TV

“I am concussed,' I announced, entirely sure of my self-diagnosis. ''You're fine,' Takumi said as he jogged back towards me. ''Let's get…

— John Green

[My brother] lived in a dry gulch where the world of socks and shoes became extremely fascinating, and he felt that everyone…

— Bill Murray

The American child is a highly intelligent human being; characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, has a strong sense of excitement,…

— Walt Disney

“Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state…

— Michael J. Sullivan

“Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even…

— Oscar Wilde

He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil…

— William Shakespeare

Mothers of America let your kids go to the movies! get them out of the house so they won't know what you're…

— Frank O'Hara

It is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved? It might perhaps be answered that we should…

— Niccolo Machiavelli

It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.

— Hans Asperger

“My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.”

— Nicole Peeler

Reconnecting to the animal means getting to a more sensitive, more artful and more humorous place in the psyche.

— James Hillman

The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as EGO in our Society

— Abhishek Shukla

Before I walk a mile in another person's shoes I spray them with disinfectant. . .

— Rick Sutter

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

— Doug Larson

“The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.”

— Flip Wilson

“Yeah, my father is an egotistical douchebag," he says roughly. "My name literally means Jonathan empire.”

— Krista Ritchie

“But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.”

— Abigail Barnette

The pesimist says: it cannot get any worse. The optimist joyfully exclaims: yes, it can!

— Anonymous

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

— George Carlin

“Humorous people are often privately struggling with depression.”

— Steven Magee

The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill…

— Benjamin Franklin

“Everything flows and water bills are getting higher and higher.”

— Ljupka Cvetanova

We want to be just like the greatest band. But I think we're just sort of both naturally humorous fellas.

— Kyle Gass

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three…

— Woody Allen