Humorous Quotes · Page 36

Congratulations on still somehow not being a mother despite your astonishing sexual promiscuity.

— Anonymous

“If you don't succeed the first time - you're about average”

— Frederick L Coxen

I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America.

— Louis Farrakhan

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

— Erma Bombeck

“Put it on your forehead and you'll feel better in no time!”

— Alfred F. Jones Hetalia

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

— Bob Hope

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

— Jay Leno

It is time to stop personal destruction and prying into private lives

— William J. Clinton

“The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The…

— Mark Jackman

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your…

— Dave Barry

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day…

— Charles Dickens

“Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what…

— Margaret Atwood

I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example -…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Humorous writing is often thought of as substandard in comparison to work with a more dramatic or tragic intent. I don't know…

— Patrick deWitt

“You were listening at the door, Gigi!" "No, Grandmamma." "Yes, you had your ear to the keyhole. You must never listen at…

— Collette

You sit back in the darkness, nursing your beer, breathing in that ineffable aroma of the old-time saloon: dark wood, spilled beer,…

— Anonymous

“Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?" "Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes…

— Christopher Moore

“Where did you see him?” Heidi asked. “At the grocery store,” Mildred replied. “He was picking out a cantaloupe. Of course, I…

— Kirsten Fullmer

Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care:…

— Stanislaw Lem

“...Anand, look at the back of my hands. No hair. The sign of an advanced race, boy. And look at yours. No…

— Anonymous

“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together,…

— Paul Rudnick

My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a…

— Dorothy Parker

Gandhi has sound economic and cultural reasons for encouraging the revival of cottage industries, but he does not counsel a fanatical repudiation…

— Paramahansa Yogananda

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field…

— Golda Meir

Mom, thanks for bringing me into a world where love can be expressed electronically.

— Anonymous

$100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House. We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington.

— William J. Clinton

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my…

— Robert Orben

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

— George Carlin

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

— Woody Allen

“Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex.”

— Aakash Deep

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

— Natalie Merchant

“What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?”

— Esther Spurrill Jones

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same…

— Drew Carey

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.

— Benjamin Franklin

“We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon”

— Eleni Papanou

My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.

— Jay Leno

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other..

— Erma Bombeck

“Keep rechewing. Like a cow. Use all your creative stomachs.”

— Elizabeth M. Lawrence

A house becomes a home when you can write, 'I love you' on the furniture.

— Rick Sutter

“[To my enemy:] Some are great, some are born great, some have greatness thrust upon them! And then there's you.”

— Reginald Dipwipple