Paul Rudnick

“Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you...," she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper.…

— Paul Rudnick

“Sometimes I think that we should send all of the Killer Mediums to Afghanistan because al-Qaeda wouldn’t stand a chance.”

— Paul Rudnick

“There was a cable-TV program that documented how Peeps are made, and it showed unlimited hordes of Peeps bouncing merrily down a…

— Paul Rudnick

Because there’s a clock attached to every beautiful woman. From the second she comes into her own, she begins to decline, because…

— Paul Rudnick

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I'm from New Jersey.

— Paul Rudnick

There is only one blasphemy, and that is the refusal to experience joy.

— Paul Rudnick

I just hate that gay role models are supposed to be just like straight people, as if even straight people are like…

— Paul Rudnick

I love [my parents], but what if I could really talk to them? I mean, what if they had some answers? Or…

— Paul Rudnick

“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together,…

— Paul Rudnick

Most gay bashers will be wearing what gay people had on four years earlier - only in polyester with a Penney's label.

— Paul Rudnick

Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials.

— Paul Rudnick

“Nightlife is not for sissies, except of course for career sissies; an evening out requires at least a full day of minute…

— Paul Rudnick

As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of…

— Paul Rudnick

Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people…

— Paul Rudnick

I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks.

— Paul Rudnick

Dysmorphia is when someone looks in the mirror, and sees something else. While I studied my own whatever I was, I decided…

— Paul Rudnick

I was once all by myself in a house on Fire Island. Where I compared the original cast recordings of two different…

— Paul Rudnick

I think people who make checklists are the most miserable and alone because they are looking for the perfect Entenmann's that is…

— Paul Rudnick

wait," I said. "so you're saying that you proposed to me because I'm a mess and I'm a person and because we…

— Paul Rudnick

“I’m glad you’re gay,” she said solemnly, “because that way, if I can’t have you, no one can.” “Um, Rocher,” I mentioned,…

— Paul Rudnick

“And so I continue in borderline poverty, save for my one indulgence, no, my single absolute necessity: I take cabs. Yes, on…

— Paul Rudnick

I just saw Titanic, which is a $200 million film about a real-life disaster at sea, but according to Hollywood Logic, none…

— Paul Rudnick

“Catey, you were so on it,” said Sophie. “You just stood there and you looked around and you saw this convertible. You…

— Paul Rudnick

Whenever I stumble over my own feet, or blurt out a thought that makes no sense at all, or leave the house…

— Paul Rudnick

The only thing I have ever been asked [by a pollster] was the age at which I first indulged in oral sex…

— Paul Rudnick