I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband. — Denise Richards Copy Share Image
I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.” — Thisuri Wanniarachchi Copy Share Image
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Shooting the webisodes was hilarious. It was at the very, very end of 'Battlestar' as we know it. — Alessandro Juliani Copy Share Image
*A nerdy guys phone goes off* Jock: Who was that, your girlfriend? *Everyone laughs* Nerd: Nope. It was yours. *Dead silence* — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The point is, if we find out you’ve been horrible to Harry —” “— and make no mistake, we’ll hear about it.… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
“Everyone got behind Fox, the name the guys had dubbed the red truck. "Fox?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah," Isaac said… — Ali Novak Copy Share Image
“Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?" "Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Take your risks now; as you become older, you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt… — Amy Poehler Copy Share Image
What is a nightstand without Mindy Kaling? I dip into her 'Why Not Me?' when I've had a particularly rough day. Her… — Sabaa Tahir Copy Share Image
“Have they built cities on the moon?" another boy asked hopefully. "We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties,… — Ransom Riggs Copy Share Image
“Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong,… — Rose Wynters Copy Share Image
I fell into writing, I suppose, being one of those awful children who wrote verses. I went to a convent in New… — Dorothy Parker Copy Share Image
“Jules could have sworn there was a devilish glint in the shopkeepers eye. 'I find today I am in need of a… — Julie Anne Long Copy Share Image
I don't think that I could have survived in my family without a naughty sense of humor; yeah, absolutely. I think my… — Rachael MacFarlane Copy Share Image
“(Erin) 'What do you think gave you this interest?' Yep. There it was. 'I’m not saying anything bad about it. I just… — Lisa Henry Copy Share Image
I love 'Robot Chicken,' 'The Boondocks' and 'America's Funniest Home Videos.' Then there's this show called 'The First 48.' It's a documentary… — ASAP Rocky Copy Share Image
“So...Now that we got that over with, let's get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight...Love.… — Zack Love Copy Share Image
“Where's your car? Miles asks, glancing at him as he slams his door shut and slings his backpack over his shoulder. "And… — Alyson Noel Copy Share Image
