“Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200. Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185. Cost to fix every single delicious… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.” — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism.… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light. — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong." I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“But ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds-way less easy than it sounds, by the way-I've become obsessed… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“...Ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds—way less easy than it sounds, by the way—I’ve become obsessed with… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn’t mean one… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“(Jen gets completely sloshed and it's not her wedding) I was supposed to meet Carol and her family at the aquarium the… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“donut can give you the kind of hug from inside that celery just can’t muster.” — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“If I were a lesbian and had a thing for narcissistic ex-sorority girls? I’d totally do me." Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“I feel like my takeaway from tonight is that it's okay to love shitty television, provided that you make an effort to appreciate other… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“But there's always a chance she's hiding a flask and a Nixon-esque Enemies List in her pinafore apron, which is exactly why we're such… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200. Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185. Cost to fix every single delicious table and… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“I love the French and Italian church paintings from the Middle Ages. But I'm also interested to learn more about who was the first… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
“You know why I love HGTV? It's not just that I get a peek into other people's lives. It's that everyone's always thrilled with… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there. — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
