There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-election came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, And then turned… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
