Funny Quotes · Page 950

It seems I’m getting fresher everytime I turn around.

— Mac Miller

I definitely know that there's somebody looking out for me, because I could never do this alone.

— Taylor Swift

I watched a dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, Wow dogs are easily entertained Then I…

— Lars Propst

Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I…

— Anonymous

The awkward moment when you did something stupid and your mom thinks that everybodyneeds to know.

— Anonymous

The only limitations are those which we impose upon ourselves.

— Jacque Fresco

I'm organizing a baby shower for my girlfriend. She's a midget.

— Nikhil Saluja

Every African has a responsibility to understand the system and work towards it's overthrow.

— Walter Rodney

I just realized that our fears are bigger than our dreams.

— Green Monk

God is near you, is with you, is inside you.

— Seneca the Younger

God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God.

— Archie Bunker

Admit it ... you've always wanted to see what it would be like to meet yourself.

— Anonymous

“He looks again towards the door, expecting Mum to walk in and remind him of something he's forgotten. He smiles awkwardly. 'Is…

— Steven Herrick

Sex with your secretary - Employers liability

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so funny when you're actually directing because things start popping that you don't expect to pop, and something that you think…

— Stephen Moyer

I feel thirsty..but no water :( so, I'm Googling ' water free download '

— Shankar Prakash G

Everyone says comedy is really hard, but with 'The Office' the naturalism was everything so it didn't feel like doing comedy; it…

— Ralph Ineson

But it's funny that now I'm in such a happy situation, I look more objectively at my own past and see what…

— Rick Allen

Affected simplicity is an elegant imposture.

— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Honey, you're getting Adele. - How I told my Girl friend she's getting fat.

— Nikhil Saluja

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

— Kristen Schaal

Man who stands on toilet, gets high on pot!

— Katharine Hepburn

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for…

— Chris Rock

I have made so many friends at Google it's not funny.

— Patrick Pichette

That awkward moment When you're taking off a sweatshirt, and your shirt is like NO! take me with you!

— Anonymous

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

— Joan Rivers

I'm a walking contradiction. I am funny that way.

— Sherilyn Fenn

“If you learn to laugh at yourself, you'll be entertained for a lifetime.”

— Lee McLaughlin

The whole damned country was depending on me.

— Joe Louis

I've always liked being funny and making people laugh. I was a cut-up when I was a kid and was always doing…

— Busy Philipps

I don't like to deal with studios.

— Ang Lee

“Nothing was ever where Cole wanted it to be.”

— Katie Mishra

People are funny. They often don't mean to be, and that's what makes it even more endearing.

— Jennifer Lee

If you look at anything, there are always comedic moments.

— Bradley Cooper

I'm painting a blue square in my backyard. So that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.

— Anonymous

You see a lot of comedic content that's not funny, and you can tell that it's supposed to be funny, but it's…

— Jonathan Krisel

Turning toward what you deeply love saves you

— Rumi

Sending a recording of my voice is the hardest thing I've ever done!! Haha! Three tries down, a bazillion to go.. xD

— Rachel

My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I cant do anything about.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

In this glorious new age, a key question is this: Just how American is entrepreneurship? The word, of course, is French.

— Michael Schrage