If a woman is funny, that will leave an impression and stay on my brain. A girl should do something, anything, to… — Ryan Phillippe Copy Share Image
I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time.… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
It's funny, I'd rather be known as a writer who crafted a really nice piece about women's friendships over time. But that… — Kelly Corrigan Copy Share Image
The one thing I didn't expect was to learn how much of a sense of humor Jerry Reinsdorf has. He's really funny.… — B. J. Armstrong Copy Share Image
Either the president of the United States blackmailed the head of the CIA, forcing him to agree with the administration's lie or… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Your vagina is like the finale of lost: 10 million people have seen it, everyone was disappointed, and everyone who was in… — Whitney Cummings Copy Share Image
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for… — Shirley Temple Copy Share Image
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?” Tate… — Ella Frank Copy Share Image
“Show some respect. They were your grandparents. -Batman Just names and dusty frames on the wall to me. -Damien I take exception… — Peter J. Tomasi Copy Share Image
“Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“Theatres are curious places, magician's trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When I do a voiceover now, there are always a few people I've borrowed bits off, whether it's their hats or facial… — Matt Berry Copy Share Image
“How is that cut doing?" His tone had the perfect degree of unconcerned concern. "Don't worry, my trigger finger is just fine.” — Bard Constantine Copy Share Image
Seeing you lights up my day, to hear your voice makes me smile all cheesy, to see you smile makes my heart… — Alice Gardner Copy Share Image
If you want to get your children's attention, just look real comfortable, talk on the phone,or try to have a conversation with… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I use this notepad onstage, mastering the art of not being professional. I'll do a joke that doesn't work on purpose, then… — Deon Cole Copy Share Image
I think on 'Third Watch' that I was the comic relief on a lot of that. I mean, I definitely had dark… — Jason Wiles Copy Share Image
Yes, you can lose somebody overnight, yes, your whole life can be turned upside down. Life is short. It can come and… — Shania Twain Copy Share Image
Ultimately the product that any writer has to sell is not the subject being written about, but who he or she is. — William Zinsser Copy Share Image
In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the… — Clive James Copy Share Image
I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I… — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
Le mariage doit incessamment combattre un monstre qui de v ore tout: l'habitude. Marriage should always combat the monster that devours everything:… — Honore de Balzac Copy Share Image
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wish I was a dinosaur. I would never worry about if I was safe, of course I'm safe, I'm a dinosaur.… — Keith Carter Copy Share Image
I've learned to start from a really sound argument, boil down the essence of what you're trying to say, then build your… — Hasan Minhaj Copy Share Image
My first big paycheck - this is kind of funny - I bought a Cadillac DTS. I thought it looked really comfortable. — Chris Long Copy Share Image
Sending a recording of my voice is the hardest thing I've ever done!! Haha! Three tries down, a bazillion to go.. xD — Rachel Copy Share Image
What's David's role? David looks good, that's what David does. David looks good, and I'm the funny one, that's what I hear… — Victoria Beckham Copy Share Image
It's funny because I'm so used to acting in English that any time I have these moments where I have to speak… — Ksenia Solo Copy Share Image
“I need to go get ready to leave. Will you be okay?" I start making my way to the stairs, but Briston… — Brandy Nacole Copy Share Image
“Your brother Jaime would never have meekly submitted to capture at the hands of woman." "That's one way we differ, Jaime and… — George R.R. Martin Copy Share Image
I really like 'Passion of the Christ.' I like that movie. I also like 'We Were Soldiers,' and 'Braveheart.' And 'Napoleon Dynamite'… — Luke Benward Copy Share Image
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
It's funny, one of my most solid carpet moments happened in the very beginning, before I started thinking that I needed all… — Dawn Olivieri Copy Share Image
“Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.” — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“Here,” I said, shoving the board into his hands. He started laughing. “WHAT are you laughing at?!” I demanded irritably. “Well, it’s… — Sadey Quinn Copy Share Image
