Funny Quotes · Page 949

Perfection is not to be attained, it is already within us.

— Swami Vivekananda

“Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have…

— William Shakespeare

People may say I'm difficult but I'm not. I'm a bit shy but it's funny how I can sing in front of…

— Ben Howard

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

— Steven Wright

Go be the next humblest version of yourself.

— Bob Goff

A demd, damp, moist, unpleasant body!

— Charles Dickens

I call our bathroom 'The Vault' because the door's always locked and whatever goes on in there costs a $hitload of money.

— Jeff Foxworthy

It doesn't matter if you're black or white... the only color that really matters is green.

— Anonymous

Hide the good you do, and make known the good done to you.

— Ali ibn Abi Talib

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many…

— Bob Hope

I engage and after that I see what to do.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

It's the reality of our business.

— Dennis Franchione

Time, like money, is measured by our needs.

— George Eliot

I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course…

— Sarah Vowell

When I get emotional about something, that's usually when funny comes.

— Ralphie May

Why is it that good people suffer? Oh I forgot, it is God's will!

— Anonymous

We can make America what America must become.

— James A. Baldwin

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual…

— Ricky Gervais

That paranoid feeling... When you over hear your name in a conversation

— Anonymous

A watered down gospel is no gospel at all

— David Wilkerson

My smile on Mondays is as insincere as a Rush Limbaugh apology.

— Anonymous

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

— George Burns

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

— Unkown

People have said to me for a long time, "Man you're funny." I say, "Well, I'm quick," but being funny on purpose,…

— Denzel Washington

I see that you retweeted my tweet...I accept your invitation for sex.

— Anonymous

Faith comes by hearing all the Word, not just preferred sections.

— David Wilkerson

Keep praying, even if you have only a whisper left.

— Yasmin Mogahed

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

— Steven Wright

I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed.…

— Bill Burr

A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times.

— Billy Corgan

If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of life I shall have to wear…

— Thomas Jefferson

I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

— Emaliebaby

You can be funny about your kids without being unkind.

— Frank Skinner

If you have a dream in your life, go ahead it's possible, go ahead

— Lyoto Machida

I have climbed to the top of the greasy pole!

— Benjamin Disraeli

I am happy to know that my husband regards me as a woman and a person.

— Katherine Dunham

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way…

— Henny Youngman

Dear future husband, I promise to be faithful but I'll always cheat on you with something... My lipstickð.

— Igbayilola Dosunmu

Listening is not a displacement for leadership. You have to have leadership.

— Angelo Sotira

Oh, to be seventy again!

— Georges Clemenceau