Imagine if you've got the diva of all divas. If we've got to be somewhere at five or six o'clock, I tell… — Nick Cannon Copy Share Image
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and… — Charlie Chaplin Copy Share Image
“There is a story I always tell my students...when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn’t speak English… — Pablo Copy Share Image
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I don't understand how girls could be so in love with a guy one week and the next not even talk to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“On the other hand the Nac Mac Feegle were always looking for a fight, in a cheerful sort of way, and when… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
He did not hate me because I was hatepurf he did not shoot me because he knew I was BulIetpurf it attacks… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
The dumb blonde stereotype only applies to girls. Blond guys aren't dumb, they are evil like in The Karate Kid or WWII. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
During my school days my teacher always used to wear sun glasses, do you know why? Because I was such a bright… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not saying that I don't like the stuff I put out into the world, because I genuinely enjoy my videos and… — Shane Dawson Copy Share Image
Whenever you are stressed,eat chocolates,sweets etc, because when stressed is spelled backwards it becomes DESSERTS. — Scot Kennedy Copy Share Image
It's funny because I was offered film parts the first week after 'The Office' went out. I was sent a script, and… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
I was just at home walking around at home, and I started feel, well, just funny. You know how you can feel… — Phil Rudd Copy Share Image
When 'Mean Girls' came out, I was 15. So I saw that movie and was like, 'That is so funny.' But it… — Barrett Wilbert Weed Copy Share Image
“Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future… — Ivan Stoikov - Allan Bard Copy Share Image
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get… — Franklyn Ajaye Copy Share Image
I'm so bad at dancing that I've actually been in two movies where the director of the film saw me dancing and… — Emily Hampshire Copy Share Image
I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one… — Lenny Kravitz Copy Share Image
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?. . . . — Shy Boy Copy Share Image
“Not every woman you meet falls for your good looks" He folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow. "So… — Cindy Roland Anderson Copy Share Image
She left Virgin Islands when she heard me saying,'here I cum' she got scared and splashed some water on my eye but… — Simon Quperlier Copy Share Image
“You want a torch or a candle, maybe? You've got your head so far up your own arse, it must be dark… — Kady Cross Copy Share Image
It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does… — Gertrude Stein Copy Share Image
If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes, then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can… — Christopher Walken Copy Share Image
At school people found it quite funny that I did ballroom, but I recently went to my school reunion and all they… — Kevin Clifton Copy Share Image
“Assad: 'I have written it just down here.' He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have… — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
The less lines, the better. I am the silent film actor, but not in a slapstick sort of way. Film is an… — Callum Keith Rennie Copy Share Image
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing... I started touring at nine or ten years old, and for the first ten, fifteen, almost twenty years… — Derek Trucks Copy Share Image
Mine Is Harry Styles Asked Me To be The Mother Of His Children Because I Flipped My Hair And Overwhelmed Him Whats… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
'Avunu' is a thriller, suspense film set within a small family with a good mix of scary and funny moments, but not… — Ravi Babu Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
