If your uncle jack helped you off a elephant, woul you help your uncle jack off a elephant? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That moment when someone hates on you. Bitch, my mom thinks I'm amazing. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Nobody spends somebody else's money as carefully as he spends his own. — Milton Friedman Copy Share Image
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having sex with them & then later sleep on couch. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.” — Ryan Lilly Copy Share Image
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
“The situation was absurd. He wore riding boots with spurs. Her hair tumbled about her like a shaggy pony's. They were in… — Marissa Doyle Copy Share Image
Lou Holtz, I was also a huge fan of. He was really funny. I think that's a big part of why I… — Matt Besser Copy Share Image
Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out… — Zach Braff Copy Share Image
I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls. — John F. Kerry Copy Share Image
I'm doing a pilot for Comedy Central with the band Steel Panther. They're faux heavy metal. They started as kind of a… — Brian Posehn Copy Share Image
“You never laugh," she said. "You behave as if everything is funny to you, but you never laugh. Sometimes you smile when… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
All I can do is keep my nose down and shoot the scene, shoot the scene, make it funny, make it funny,… — Jay Chandrasekhar Copy Share Image
