Dear vegetarians... If you're trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food? — Priyanka Copy Share Image
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
“Funny how sometimes you worry a lot about something and it turns out to be nothing.” — R.J. Palacio Copy Share Image
I'd love for someone to ask me about comedic technique and choices. — Hari Kondabolu Copy Share Image
That which comes after ever conforms to that which has gone before. — Marcus Aurelius Copy Share Image
We made satires of everything - news broadcasts and TV shows that we watched. When I look at them now, they are… — Lev Yilmaz Copy Share Image
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. — H. L. Mencken Copy Share Image
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a… — Fred Allen Copy Share Image
No matter what I do, I can't help but feel that I'm under a microscope. Some of it is completely silly, and… — Steve Aoki Copy Share Image
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
“Tex's head snapped in my direction. Fuckin' A, woman, you've never had a s'more? he boomed I shook my head. Christ, everyone's… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
Consider what you have in the smallest chosen library: a company of the wisest and wittiest men that could be picked out… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
Blank 1 Told Blank 3 something about Blank 2. Now Blank 2 Is Pissed Because Blank 3 Told On Blank 1. Now Blank 1 Want To Fight Blank 3. — Tee Shepard Copy Share Image
