Congratulations on finding out where you'll be gaining 15 pounds as a freshman next year. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Sexually active? Sexually active ? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet! I marched on down. 'For… — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Copy Share Image
If she were going to die, I'd already be screaming. I'm a Banshee. That's what we do. — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
The day I got a hit off (Sandy) Koufax was when he knew it was all over. — Sparky Anderson Copy Share Image
Every single one of you, before you get off the pile, affect the head. Early, affect the head. Continue, touch and hit… — Gregg Williams Copy Share Image
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be. — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
Words have a magical power. They can either bring the greatest happiness or the deepest despair. — Sigmund Freud Copy Share Image
“It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.” — James Hetfield Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross Copy Share Image
“A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that's all you've got, you're dead in the water. It's not good. — Howard Stern Copy Share Image
