Fred Allen

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one…

— Fred Allen

“(Faces are all important. Without faces it would be impossible to identify our friends. If we had to recognize people by their…

— Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

— Fred Allen

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

— Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

— Fred Allen

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

— Fred Allen

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

— Fred Allen

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

— Fred Allen

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling…

— Fred Allen

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

— Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

— Fred Allen

When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that…

— Fred Allen

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

— Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is…

— Fred Allen

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

— Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

— Fred Allen

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

— Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

— Fred Allen

He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.

— Fred Allen

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.

— Fred Allen

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

— Fred Allen

Television is a triumph of equipment over people,

— Fred Allen

Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the…

— Fred Allen

“Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.”

— Fred Allen

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a…

— Fred Allen