Funny Quotes · Page 11

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

— Henny Youngman

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

— Noel Fielding

Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Mom (on computer): do I click this? You: No! What are you doing? just give me the computer, I'll do it.

— Anonymous

Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.

— Eugene Ormandy

A girl asks you what you need. The woman knows and gives you what you want.

— Nikhil Saluja

People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason.

— Anonymous

My greatest fear is coming home one day and discovering that the slim and sexy woman I married has become fat and…

— MO'Zee

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I…

— Kesha

I am a proud staunch Sanatani Hindu.

— Mahatma Gandhi

The internet will create the winnerand bury the laggards.

— Philip Kotler

What's David's role? David looks good, that's what David does. David looks good, and I'm the funny one, that's what I hear…

— Victoria Beckham

Your harshest truths are dreams, and your gentlest dreams are true.

— Richard Bach

“I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.”

— Nicole McKay

“...I guess I can put two and two together." "Sometimes the answer's four," I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...”

— Dashiell Hammett

Mom:I followed you on Twitter? Me: WHAT TWITTER? *throws laptop out window, runs to airport, moves to Mexico, changes name to Pepito*

— Jugi Steady

Be substantially great in thyself, and more than thou appearest unto others.

— Thomas Browne

If I'm passionate about something, I'll do everything I can to be a part of it.

— Shailene Woodley

Beauty is about perception, not about make-up.

— Kevyn Aucoin

Fear is going to be a player in your life, but you get to decide how much!

— Jim Carrey

When I was in high school, I was a bad singer. I mean, all my early acting was musical theater, and my…

— Sam Claflin

“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.”

— Dylan Moran

Many times our weaknesses are extensions of our strengths.

— Zig Ziglar

Simply put, the promises of God are not automatic; they must be acquired by faith.

— John Bevere

A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on…

— Conan O'Brien