“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays. — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For dinner I had seared sneer with a glaze of distant gaze, and a side of mashed pride covered in grace.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“She had a perfect smile. She doesn’t anymore, but I do. I have that perfect smile mounted on my wall like a… — Jarod Kintz Smile Copy Share Image
“A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“What are you doing Saturday or Sunday? I’m free this weekend. But come Monday I go back to being a slave.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“I’m one washing machine away from throwing in the towel. But I’m not a quitter. I’m also out of laundry detergent.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“At the beginning of their return trip home, fishermen might label their fish with a simple fish line drawing. But once that… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“You vote Democrat even if you vote Republican, because they’re two sides of the same coin. So stop flipping that coin. The… — Jarod Kintz Democrat Copy Share Image
“The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Anal Copy Share Image
“A brick is a banana. No it isn’t. Still, I think you should eat it anyway. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s the point of being the first to arrive? Nobody is there to witness your commitment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to wipe your ass with. You know, if you already live someplace shitty. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
