“I made a joke today, and I made it out of pennies. It was a very poor joke.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Here’s a list in no particular order: chaos, confusion, and disorganization.” — Jarod Kintz Chaos Copy Share Image
“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.” — Jarod Kintz Ladies man Copy Share Image
“I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Lay your head on my shoulder and massage my buttocks while you cry.” — Jarod Kintz Massage Copy Share Image
“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She tried to insult me in front of the whole party. So what could I do but yawn and walk away?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“The difference between a politician and a helmet full of feces, is the politician doesn’t need to wear protective headgear, because he’s… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“An award would be more prestigious if it came with a supplemental income for a year, so you could focus on repeating… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a witch in Wichita. As an expert on all things Topeka, I should know. I once made Kansas all night long… — Jarod Kintz Kansas Copy Share Image
“I don’t know when I’m going to stop when I start—or start when I stop. That’s why I simply love continuously.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on… — Jarod Kintz Bacon Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Orafoura, The Mythical Mr. Boo, and Love made flesh walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, fellas?” Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Hate and love Copy Share Image
“Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it,… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to… — Jarod Kintz Uncle sam Copy Share Image
“This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will… — Jarod Kintz Growth Copy Share Image
“A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got lots of pictures of the four years I spent in collage.” — Jarod Kintz Collage Copy Share Image
“Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?” — Jarod Kintz Champagne Copy Share Image
“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.” — Jarod Kintz Grudge Copy Share Image
“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Blue sky Copy Share Image
“An umbrella is a portable shelter. My penis is a portable people maker. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.” — Jarod Kintz Dirt Copy Share Image
“The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won't read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I'm more of a cat person.” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.” — Jarod Kintz Tattoo Copy Share Image
“I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
