“What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.” — Jarod Kintz Choice Copy Share Image
“Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I don’t endorse my checks, because what, am I just going to give away free autographs?” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“My zip code is my salary. Too bad I live in 32256 and not 90210. Also, I lied—but only because the zip code… — Jarod Kintz Programming Copy Share Image
“The car wash sign said, “Free Vacuums.” So I told them I wanted a high-powered Dyson. I figured it’d be a good… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I am the Chuck Yeager of love. You’ll need to wear earplugs when I break the sound barrier of your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your… — Jarod Kintz Immaculate conception Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“At first I was excited to go, because I thought I’d been invited to a net twerking event. Imagine how surprised everyone… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On a map on my wall I relocated my family to Orafouraville, which is the capital of Kintzylvania, which is in the… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.” — Jarod Kintz Buffet Copy Share Image
“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mean void of no.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.” — Jarod Kintz Heaven Copy Share Image
“Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are 26 characters in the alphabet, and what characters they are! Especially Q.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
“You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
