“Garbage truck beepers belong in a symphony. Or would that really put the phony in symphony?” — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“Siamese twins have it great because one can jack off while the other talks dirty.” — Jarod Kintz Twin Copy Share Image
“A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I knew a woman named Hope once, and boy did she fill me with her first name.” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“I treat women like royalty. But not from a Bolshevik perspective.” — Jarod Kintz Bolshevik Copy Share Image
“I stole her perfume out of her car, and in its place I left a loud fart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.” — Jarod Kintz Condoms Copy Share Image
“When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me… — Jarod Kintz Angry Copy Share Image
“If my father were Cupid, and my mother were Helen Keller, I suppose I probably would subscribe to the notion that “Love… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of… — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“Are there any sleeping jobs, because I have a lot of experience. Years and years, actually. And with on the job training,… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee.… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Renaldina told Renaldo and Renaldo told me, so that’s two points for possible miscommunication, especially when you consider that she’s deaf and… — Jarod Kintz Travel Copy Share Image
“Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're… — Jarod Kintz Agriculture Copy Share Image
“I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only choose one. If I… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“I fear one day I’ll get a knock at my front door, and I’ll answer it to find myself standing there. Then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m such a germaphobe that I think sanitation gloves should be thicker than boxing gloves.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.” — Jarod Kintz Leprechaun Copy Share Image
“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“My favorite thing isn’t being the favorite to win—it’s being the underdog.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
