“My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.” — Jarod Kintz Positive Copy Share Image
“When two are united as one, I’ll be there. And so will someone else.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.” — Jarod Kintz Child Copy Share Image
“A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.” — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to… — Jarod Kintz Hero Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1-10, I'd probably be considered obese. Though I weigh much more than 10, my love is heavier still.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m nothing. I’m just a humble man in a bumblebee costume trying to pollinate with a woman as romantic as a flower.… — Jarod Kintz Bumblebee Copy Share Image
“Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet… — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“I was born a master of the universe in Manhattan. Not Manhattan, New York City, and not Manhattan, Kansas, but Manhattan, the… — Jarod Kintz Manhattan Copy Share Image
“Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so hard, because with all… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score,… — Jarod Kintz Bowling Copy Share Image
“If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his… — Jarod Kintz Bald man Copy Share Image
“Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bother my clone? And if… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why is a talkative person called a Chatty Cathy? That phrase possesses brevity, when someone verbose should instead be called a Chattering… — Jarod Kintz Brevity Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a… — Jarod Kintz Bank robbery Copy Share Image
“The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“An ear shaped like a question mark is not receptive to life’s answers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The picture is grainy. But that’s to be expected when photographing bread.” — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re being good, or you’re up to no good, try not to look guilty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“Sword and words—same letters, and same ability to cut down.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“If a university’s colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets.” — Jarod Kintz Colors Copy Share Image
“I'm full of surprises. I'm also full of semen—and sometimes that's the surprise. ” — Jarod Kintz Semen Copy Share Image
I may not be a horse whisperer, but I certainly can and do shout at unicorns. — Jarod Kintz Unicorns Copy Share Image
“I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.” — Jarod Kintz Bread Copy Share Image
“There’s a hair in my soup. That’s the problem of using my helmet as a bowl.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
