“I opened my wallet and gave him a coupon, hoping he’d open his wallet and give me money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I’m looking for a girlfriend. That’s why I brought binoculars.” — Jarod Kintz Binoculars Copy Share Image
“Yesterday led me to today, which will lead me to tomorrow. Follow me, but stay a day behind.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my name were Mark Twain, I’d write under the pseudonym “Samuel Clemens.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.” — Jarod Kintz Candle Copy Share Image
“The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A whisper is the shadow of a shout, and I keep a few in my wallet to use at the strip club… — Jarod Kintz Rainy night Copy Share Image
“Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve… — Jarod Kintz Sadness Copy Share Image
“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. Cons—are former pros that made a mistake.” — Jarod Kintz Cons Copy Share Image
“Love is orange, though sometimes it will make you blue. You might see that as depressing, but I see it as a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s… — Jarod Kintz Average man Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Today somebody asked me if I had to lose one of my senses, which would I choose? “Oh my God,” I said,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We never know how bad we had it, until something better comes along and we get to experience it for a while… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People remember a smile more readily than a name. That’s why for branding purposes, I created my logo so that it features… — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“Are you cool enough to live on Me street? It’s a one-way street, you know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I care for her about my mom like a Maggie (three Donalds per serving).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me and my girlfriend aren’t a good fit. Her clothes are much too small for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clothes Copy Share Image
“Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It’s huge! It’s nearly half as long as my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Men are the fleas in the gray beard of God, and I’m just itching to meet Him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t need my approval to disagree. But I’m sure you agree—and I’m sure you agree.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
