“In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s not my son, but his last name is Myson. Same spelling, big difference.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts… — Jarod Kintz Philosophy of Mind Copy Share Image
“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“If a woman asked me how far I’d go on a first date, my reply would be 69 miles. Round trip, not… — Jarod Kintz First date Copy Share Image
“If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick makes an excellent window cleaner, if you throw it hard enough. Before you know it, your window will look so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him, the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat out of her skull like a bowl of… — Jarod Kintz Brains Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Orafoura: You just used the bathroom, but did you wash your hands? Me: No. Orafoura: That’s gross. Me: Why is that gross?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If people lived to be a thousand years old, there’d be extreme inequality, based not on class like now, but on genetics.… — Jarod Kintz Inequality Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations,… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I’ll agree with you if you promise to argue with me. That’s what love is, right?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I’m a lamb.” — Jarod Kintz Cage Copy Share Image
“I’ll wear a fork on my head, and if anybody wants a job, they can eat salad off my scalp.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mustache on a stick would not only be tastier than a popsicle, but ticklier too.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I’m in like Flynn, as the saying goes. But why is it going? It just got here.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“The name’s Jamello. That’s my last name—and my first name. And yes, I am a hermaphrodite.” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“Call me Red Thunder. My partner, Silent Lightning, is invisible, but noisy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Criminals should be hung like championship banners—proudly, and in an effort to sell tickets.” — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“The flag was waving in the wind. Now whether it was waving hello or goodbye, I do not know.” — Jarod Kintz Flag waving Copy Share Image
“I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
