“Of my own accord I want to learn the accordion, according to a cord (not a chord).” — Jarod Kintz Accordion Copy Share Image
“I’d imagine if you called me Cherry Cheeks, it’d make me blush like a salad.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it’s as if you gave me an indirect handjob. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My bedroom is a bit small for my taste. For my taste, I prefer the kitchen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.” — Jarod Kintz Memory Copy Share Image
“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“It’d be quite absurd to equate a math equation with love. But that is exactly what I’ve done. I’m giving a four-hour… — Jarod Kintz Friday night Copy Share Image
“Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.” — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you drive the same car as me, and have been in a fender bender, I’ll think, “Boy, that’s what my car… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before the blue of night meets the pink of sunrise, there is a transition of lavender. It's a gradient of color that… — Jarod Kintz Blue Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don't have a stutter.… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.” — Jarod Kintz Glows Copy Share Image
“Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.” — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your learning disability pleasure, I’ll be playing a song backwards.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.” — Jarod Kintz Grandchildren Copy Share Image
“The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.” — Jarod Kintz Birds Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I have a mansion of an imagination, and I cordially invite you to come sleep in my shed.” — Jarod Kintz Imagination Copy Share Image
“How do you seduce a whole continent? One person at a time.” — Jarod Kintz Continent Copy Share Image
“I suspended my disbelief, and left it floating in mid air.” — Jarod Kintz Disbelief Copy Share Image
