“I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.” — Jarod Kintz Archaeology Copy Share Image
“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“My handyman is handicapped and oh so handsome, because he’s my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“That night when we made love, she saw a side of me she’d never seen—the left side.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am an uncle, though this is not a new feeling for me, as I’ve been one before. I’ve also been 2… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I said goodbye too early, and then stood there enjoying the awkwardness of her lingering presence.” — Jarod Kintz Awkwardness Copy Share Image
“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.” — Jarod Kintz Drinkers Copy Share Image
“My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The word "sex" has no sex. It is androgynous and probably asexual. And even though I have sex (my sex is male),… — Jarod Kintz Sexuality Copy Share Image
“Sure, I pee in the pool. But that’s only because I don’t have a sink big enough to swim in. I fear… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The eye of a hurricane is a real Cyclops, and confusing a blink with a wink can be deadly. Sometimes I flirt… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to… — Jarod Kintz Saxophone Copy Share Image
“It was May 2009, and I didn’t like where the economy was headed. (I wished the Federal Reserve had a GPS or… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“I decided to write this piece because my internal critic told me to write it. At least I think he told me… — Jarod Kintz Speaks french Copy Share Image
“I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hey, turn down the volume on your “How To Make Love Like Lucifer Hand Guide Volume II” audio book a little bit.… — Jarod Kintz Fire Copy Share Image
“Johnny Kickstand bullied me in middle school. Today, Kickstand stands 4’7” tall. Well, he would stand that tall if he weren’t in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge… — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really believe in. ” — Jarod Kintz Bigfoot Copy Share Image
“I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it’s better to sneak out.” — Jarod Kintz Fight Copy Share Image
“I won’t be lulled by the lullaby, when what waits after is eternal sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Lullaby Copy Share Image
“I’ll see a cat and instinctively start petting the hair on my back.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“There are only two ways to love—in spite of yourself, and in spite of the restraining order.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Do not oppose my opposable thumbs. If you do, we’ll have a thumb war.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love women’s breasts. I love how they don’t blink when I stare at them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?” — Jarod Kintz Fresh air Copy Share Image
“If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won't be using them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
