“I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If my nipples were restart buttons, I’d let you play with my buttocks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The dollar isnt worth its weight in gold, and the pound isnt worth its weight in ounces. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The dollar isn’t worth its weight in gold, and the pound isn’t worth its weight in ounces.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His last name is Palmer. His ancestors must have been compulsive masturbators. When we were introduced, I made sure to not shake… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of hatching a plan, why not break it open prematurely and use it to make an omelet? It’s just food for… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Beer has that Olympic medal color,” Rot replied, “but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor.… — Jarod Kintz Beer Copy Share Image
“As she stood in the corner, I thought her elbow was her nipple. That’s just the kind of pervert I am.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easy to see what to do once it’s already been done. The difficult time is before it’s to be done, and… — Jarod Kintz Difficult time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“The important issues, once you’ve taken them on, you can’t take them off. What do you think they are, panties?” — Jarod Kintz Important issues Copy Share Image
“I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years. No, farther. Five… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan… — Jarod Kintz Hard candy Copy Share Image
“I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I would consider myself a regular at my favorite bar, but there’s nothing normal about me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“If it looks like you have pink eye, I’ll take a look at it. Drop your pants and bend over.” — Jarod Kintz Pink Copy Share Image
“When he introduced himself as Dewey, I said, “It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Decimalsystem.” — Jarod Kintz Dewey Copy Share Image
“My love is as Swift as Taylor. You’d better shoot it down before it flies away. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Mustaches are not only fashion statements, but they’re useful for tickling vaginas.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“My love is useful, and my love is for sale. (Batteries not included).” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
