“I don’t make love. But I do have it made in China. It’s just more cost effective.” — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
“I am the red wheelbarrow of communism. William Carlos Williams wrote a poem about me.” — Jarod Kintz Communism Copy Share Image
“I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“100% of half the people I talked to agreed with me a quarter of the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Television isn’t a substitute for a babysitter, but the microwave is. Mmmm cooked babies!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility. ” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Rather than dirt, I’d rather push a wheelbarrow full of books. Dirty books.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m great at making love, at least for the first 20 bucks, and for about 30 minutes after that I just sort… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.” — Jarod Kintz Nights Copy Share Image
“I am the bow of love. I’m also the bow of hate. Same spelling, different pronunciations and meanings. Would you like me… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Brick” could be the name of a restaurant. But so could “Blah,” “Gruel,” and “A Taste of the Gulag.” ” — Jarod Kintz Restaurant Copy Share Image
“She was in Tennessee, and I was in Florida, and she said, “You’re too far away!” And I said, “I know. My… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.” — Jarod Kintz Hero Copy Share Image
“I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.” — Jarod Kintz Injury Copy Share Image
“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I… — Jarod Kintz Salesman Copy Share Image
“I drew the outline of a flag blowing in the wind. I decided to leave it an outline, because that made it… — Jarod Kintz Flag Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If instead of a handshake you hold out a fist for a fist bump, I’ll wrap my hand around your fist like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are… — Jarod Kintz People change Copy Share Image
“I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I carry on about how much you love me, and I carry on my love like it’s carry-on luggage.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For my books, I do everything short of writing my own reviews. Those I do tall.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I pitted two ditch diggers against each other, to see who could dig a pit the fastest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every home needs a woman’s touch. My penis also needs a woman’s touch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I'm a natural politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’m a neat person (interesting), but I’m not a neat person (organized).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in them?” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
