“I live 20 miles away from 30 miles per hour. Horses get great gas mileage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo is so mythical the he always likes to be the centaur of attention.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.” — Jarod Kintz School Copy Share Image
“Did I spell the word “did” right? Of course not! I got my D’s mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“The word "the" is 2/3rds he. I'm not being sexist, merely statistical.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points—north, south, east, and west. I also trail by covered… — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“After a shower, I like to let gravity and evaporation dry me off as I stretch out naked in the sun on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a glove, I’d wear it on my foot like a goldfish in a silver mine. Ten dimes is too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d say if you’re using an avocado facial mask before you go to sleep, don’t complain when I want to bring tortilla… — Jarod Kintz Makeup Copy Share Image
“I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With networking, some people build bridges, some people burn bridges, and some people, like myself, use a boat to cross the river… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose.… — Jarod Kintz Waste Copy Share Image
“I remember one time some guy put caviar in my omelet, and I had to complain saying, “Excuse me, you idiot, but… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“He wore red, white, and blue, but he didn’t look patriotic—he looked like a sloppily wrapped birthday present. But it’s not his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I can’t extrapolate a theory of what people would do based on the limited data set of what one person—myself—would do. That’s… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Would you rather be affluent, or influential? I’d rather be fluent in the language of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like my duck eggs runny, like Roger Bannister when he broke the four-minute mile barrier.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mine divided in two isn’t as preferential as a yours divided in two. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The hamper didn’t hamper my ability to hide midgets. If anything, it enhanced it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can’t spread its wings and fly, because love is an ostrich. But it can sure run fast!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“Cats have tongues with the texture of bricks, and fur as warm and soft as blankets.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man was choking, what would I do? Well, I’d remove my penis from his throat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’ll jump off a bluff, or a cliff, so don’t call my bluff, or call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
