“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A backpack could be a sleeping bag for a midget—or a hatch, a hatchback.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Sure, I’ll take your pamphlet. I need to fill up my trashcan anyway.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally call all of them to congratulate them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is a hole in my buttocks. I’d like to return it, or at the very least exchange it for a new… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Used is to sued, as brick is to Kricb, and that is such a profound observation on my part that I’m afraid… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look… — Jarod Kintz Painting Copy Share Image
“I write my name on my underwear. Of course, I have to first cross out the name of the previous owner. (Most… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money. ” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the… — Jarod Kintz Evil Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if… — Jarod Kintz Global warming Copy Share Image
“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And… — Jarod Kintz Firstborn Copy Share Image
“I do a lot of business with businesses. And I do a lot of business with individuals. And guess what? It turns… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I don't know what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love isn't a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, because no… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. It’s not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I explore my subconscious the way Cousteau explored the sea: with a scuba tank and a smile.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The quickest way to become an interesting person is to show interest in others.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I tap my car’s brakes, my horn beeps. Don’t make me flick on my windshield wipers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.” — Jarod Kintz Dolphin Copy Share Image
“When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Things should go where I intend them to go, not where I tend to put them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life motto: My brakes are broke, but luckily my gas pedal works just fine. ” — Jarod Kintz Brakes Copy Share Image
“If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!” — Jarod Kintz Microsoft word Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it's better to be blunt. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
