“I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to go to Sing Sing prison. I’ll bet they’ve got a good chorus.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Probably when people hear our national anthem they think of me. A real American hero.” — Jarod Kintz American hero Copy Share Image
“I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand open relationships. My relationship is like a normal business at 5:01 pm: very much closed.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had no direction until I merged into the left lane. Some people find God. I found my blinker.” — Jarod Kintz Direction Copy Share Image
“If I give you more love, it will only give me more love to give. The more I give, the more I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“From the corner of my eye I saw her. Of course this chance encounter with Rebecca wasn’t serendipitous. (I’m not throwing that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A magician who could make the audience’s problems disappear—now that’s someone I’d pay to throw tomatoes at. If I didn’t have any… — Jarod Kintz Magic Copy Share Image
“I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like… — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
“With my big 80s hair, my cut off jean shorts, and my roller skates, I’m going to look sexy on my way… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world… — Jarod Kintz Alien Copy Share Image
“I’m growing out my baldness, and a mustache. Combined with spectacles (glasses), I’ll be a spectacle. I’ll proudly wear my absurdity like… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to say hello in a foreign language. Like most great words, it’d also have synonyms. One such… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a driveway so long you couldn’t see the end of it even if you were 26.1 miles into running a… — Jarod Kintz Race Copy Share Image
“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.” — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“Without an apostrophe, she’ll is just a shell. And I am the turtle inside.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m twice as twice as the guy in second place. My love comes first.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.” — Jarod Kintz Beer Copy Share Image
“Things aren’t often what they appear to be at first blush. But embarrassment is.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Well, unless all your critics are mutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ben Bernanke is like an economist on a misty morning, because he hasn’t the foggiest clue.” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to beg for my clone to get on his knees and grovel.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.” — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
