“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“I called the cops to see if I had a rap sheet. I do, and it rhymes.” — Jarod Kintz Rapper Copy Share Image
“A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just baked a cake in the shape of a door. Somebody’s knocking now, so let me get that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.” — Jarod Kintz Circular Copy Share Image
“If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or,… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“If this book looks like it took me 15 minutes to put together, that’s because it did! 30 seconds to write it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Wealth—one billion, two billion, what’s the difference? The difference is one billion—the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to meddle with an Olympic medal made of silver metal. I want to alchemize it into gold, and use a… — Jarod Kintz Olympic Copy Share Image
“I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.” — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants,… — Jarod Kintz Fellow man Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to foretell the future. Here’s my prediction: Tomorrow will happen. If I’m right, the brick was correct,… — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for… — Jarod Kintz Looking for a man Copy Share Image
“Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to liven up urinal chatter. Also, instead of just repeating “Yeah” while the guy peeing next to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat.… — Jarod Kintz Galapagos islands Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.” — Jarod Kintz Sixties Copy Share Image
“I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a concealed weapon—high cholesterol. It’s deadly. ” — Jarod Kintz Amendment Copy Share Image
“As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.” — Jarod Kintz World war Copy Share Image
“I wish trash were treasure, because then I’d be a garbage collector and king.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.” — Jarod Kintz Heartbreak Copy Share Image
“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.” — Jarod Kintz Astrology Copy Share Image
