“When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two of them disguised as eyebrows). Women love… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A whisper is like the shadow of a shout. My shout’s a little too green if I let it grow in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I… — Jarod Kintz Cowardice Copy Share Image
“Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hired a counterfeiter the other day. I told him, “As for your salary, how much you make is really up to… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The M.U.S.T.A.C.H.E. meeting is taking place right under my nose and I didn't even know because I'm working the booth at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My elementary school principal, Prince Apple, had no principles. I know, because he offered to give me candy once, in exchange for… — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped at the feet of your enemy, as a gift, as an insult, as a way of saying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You had just died, and I was debating putting your body into either a coffin or… — Jarod Kintz Ashtray Copy Share Image
“Five sicks people in the hospital (56). I made each one a “Get well soon” card saying I was sorry for coughing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid, I’d leave my door cracked with a piece of lint on top, and if I came home… — Jarod Kintz False Accusations Copy Share Image
“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.” — Jarod Kintz Apples Copy Share Image
“This world is nothing more than fresh white underwear, and I’m going to leave my mark on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“He was a vegetable, so trying to change his mind was fruitless.” — Jarod Kintz Fruitless Copy Share Image
“If I could lick the sunset, I’ll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“I know what it means to be alone, especially in a large group of clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.” — Jarod Kintz Ghost town Copy Share Image
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the Century.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
