“I hit a car, but it wasn’t my fault. The bicyclist who rear ended me is to blame.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d never shoot shrapnel at a bear, because why ruin a perfectly good rug like that?” — Jarod Kintz Shrapnel Copy Share Image
I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Deep down, I’m an introvert. However, high up, I’m an extrovert.” — Jarod Kintz Extrovert Copy Share Image
I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy. — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll take off my coat in the restaurant and drape it over my pants, which I’ll drape over your chair. I hope… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all,… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“The best part about bowling is pouring in the cereal and the milk. I’ve always believed bowlers make better lovers, because of… — Jarod Kintz Bowling Copy Share Image
“An elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” The elephant replies, “Sex on the… — Jarod Kintz Elephant Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel.… — Jarod Kintz Condolences Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I rode my horse to the saloon, but it was out of business. The cowboy I spoke with said the bartender served… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical,… — Jarod Kintz Getting married Copy Share Image
“Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.” — Jarod Kintz Alcohol Copy Share Image
“I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.” — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings. ” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The smell of sex always reminds me of summer youth camps growing up.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Michael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A blanket that has arms to hold you when you are sad, now that's what I call a comforter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll refer my clones to businesses and negotiate a better price for myself. And for myselves.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m a guy who respects boundaries. I require a passport for interpersonal travel.” — Jarod Kintz Passport Copy Share Image
“A date is a place, a destination. March 5th, 1982 is the ideal tourist trap.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
