“I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.” — Jarod Kintz Cheesy Copy Share Image
“The problem with ebooks is you can’t get booger smears on the pages.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to import what’s important, and export the trivial out of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.” — Jarod Kintz Cannibalism Copy Share Image
“When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.” — Jarod Kintz Insults Copy Share Image
“The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I'm off to my first Toastmaster meeting. You know, motivational speaking is a multi-billion-dollar industry. Well, that seems like enough for me… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A plan won’t fly without dedication, perseverance, or wings. A plane won’t fly without those things either, though of those three things,… — Jarod Kintz Plane Copy Share Image
“Even a broken mirror isn’t broken if it allows you to see who you really are—cracked down the middle in your duality.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stabbed the intruder with a knife. How else was I supposed to cut him into bite-sized pieces?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I like to meet people and pretend I’ll never see them again. I tend to value things more if I think it’s… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea… — Jarod Kintz Drought Copy Share Image
“On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with… — Jarod Kintz Idiot Copy Share Image
“Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m writing a book, one letter at a time. After thirteen days, I just finished writing “Once upon a time.” Since it’s… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“The term “global audience” is misleading and meaningless, but I’m proud to say that I do indeed have a global audience. At… — Jarod Kintz Audience Copy Share Image
“I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got my spring cleaning done early this year. I did it over the summer.” — Jarod Kintz Spring Copy Share Image
“I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I look at a woman’s shoes, not to tell how sexy she is, but to determine how sexy she feels.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“I’m strapped for cash, and I’m also strapped to a chair in someone’s basement.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“When everything is working out for you, it means you are in the wrong gym.” — Jarod Kintz Exercise Copy Share Image
“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love with the accuracy of Joe Montana, and from a distance of up to 100 yards.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Make mine a weasel, I said to the crowd of mostly rodents and lawyers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even my underwear is art. It's like a splatter painting in yellow I call “Crusty.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
