“Everything east of the Mississippi is west of the Mississippi, if you just keep going.” — Jarod Kintz Mississippi Copy Share Image
“The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.” — Jarod Kintz Political Copy Share Image
“What’s furry, has four legs, and meows? My dinner, before I killed and cooked it.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
The US is about to go all Billy the Kid. Inflation is going to keep shooting up. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to yelp out “very” while yawning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole in the back, like an… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least… — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Everybody should have their own personal logo. Mine is a smiley face that’s winking, as if I’m passing on secret knowledge. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think it would be funny to dye somebody’s pool red and then throw dead fish in it. And before you run… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“No matter how far I throw a ball, if I took the path of the ball and arced it around in a… — Jarod Kintz Starting point Copy Share Image
“If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of… — Jarod Kintz Pop song Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve shortened this sentence’s length, in order to reduce the need for it. I’ve also shortened my penis (as impossible as that… — Jarod Kintz Shortened Copy Share Image
“If you listen to the rain long enough, you’ll eventually soak up the wisdom.” — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“4:00 am—it’s not too early to drink wine, it’s too late. Too late by seven minutes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make believe like asexuals make love—alone, with cardboard tubes.” — Jarod Kintz Make believe Copy Share Image
“Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I speak Spanish like I chew spinach—like it’s dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“I’m not a consumer, because consumers are consumed with shopping. No, I prefer shoplifting.” — Jarod Kintz Shoplifting Copy Share Image
“You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love her like two cheese sticks without cheese. Bread and circuses.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m beside myself with excitement over my new clone standing next to me.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
