“You don’t have the shadow volume to sit next to me in the sunshine of truth.” — Jarod Kintz Light Copy Share Image
“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Ziploc bag.” — Jarod Kintz Alibi Copy Share Image
“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.” — Jarod Kintz Relationship Copy Share Image
“I sleep in a hyperbolic chamber as spacious as the chamber of commerce. That was hyperbole.” — Jarod Kintz Chamber of commerce Copy Share Image
“My hero’s hero is not necessarily my hero, unless my clone’s hero is my clone’s clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“For better sleep tonight, pre-order your duck fight today. It’ll give your pillow the energy you need to power slumber through to… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“10% ago I was 90% unsure of what I didn’t want to do. Now I’m just 33.3% sure that I’m 66.6% unsure.… — Jarod Kintz Certainty Copy Share Image
“My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed… — Jarod Kintz Drink coffee Copy Share Image
“I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s got the curly Irish hair. You can’t eat him because he might be your father, and you’ll spoil your dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket.… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.” — Jarod Kintz Fasting Copy Share Image
“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advanced we are!” — Jarod Kintz Guns Copy Share Image
“I saw a mummy in a movie once, and I’ve got to say I love George Harrison’s style.” — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left Mermaid’s Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I’d shake things up.” — Jarod Kintz Status quo Copy Share Image
“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
