“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you. ” — Jarod Kintz Bad reputation Copy Share Image
“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“She was a pretty good lover. Too bad she wasn’t pretty and good.” — Jarod Kintz Lover Copy Share Image
“Learn body language so you can not only speak it, but misspeak it too.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“My ex was a BBW, but she looked Ok. Actually, she looked more like Tx.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My thoughts absorb sound like sponges soak up water. Please don’t whistle while I masturbate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I swallow my own lies with big gulps, as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Laying on top of me is better than laying on a bed, because a bed doesn’t give off rising heat, or supply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“I drive by a business that has a permanent sign that says, "Always hiring." Why in the world would they advertise the… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you,… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I stood under the umbrella for hours before I folded it up and started walking. Umbrellas can block the sun, shield the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made myself an “I Love Jennifer” jacket out of my old “I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There are exactly thirteen letters in my name, and there are also thirteen letters in the English alphabet. And not only are… — Jarod Kintz Alphabet Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.” — Jarod Kintz Monday Copy Share Image
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.” — Jarod Kintz Agent orange Copy Share Image
“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.” — Jarod Kintz Boogers Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they are my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t believe she was half dressed. How dare she only be half naked in my presence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tennis is a racket that I’d like to get into. It’s so bouncy and noisy it must be profitable.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m as constant as Constantinople. Now that’s some Istanbul shit.” — Jarod Kintz Constantinople Copy Share Image
“All I took on my trip were my ideas. So, I guess I’m not a light packer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Would you like your cyanide as it is, or by some other name?” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
